Dark Days

The last few weeks have been difficult. I feel like I am slipping into a depression and that always scares me. I am seeing a therapist and working on it, but it is still so very hard. It is hard because I have so much grief that I am still processing or haven't even begun to process. Losing a spouse is not easy and even under the best of circumstances, the grief process is long and difficult. My cancer diagnosis has thrown a wrench into all of that. There are days when I struggle to get out of bed. Fortunately, Beauty needs to go outside a few times a day so I have to get up and get outside for a least a little bit. If it wasn't for her, I think that I might really struggle to get out of bed.

I miss Gessner so much these days and it seems like I am encountering more triggers. I still can't believe that he is gone. There are still mornings when I wake up and reach to the other side of the bed, only to be reminded that he is not there. Those are horrible mornings. Last night I had a rare happy dream where I just saw his smiling face. It was just what I needed after some very rough days.

I think a lot about where he is and what happens after a person dies. I grew up believing in heaven and being told that everyone will have a mansion in the sky. Now, it is so much more difficult to picture that. There are days that I definitely feel Gess's presence. Whether this is real, or just my imagination giving me what I need I don't know. But it is comforting. I wish that I felt him more. I wish that he could be here to hold me. That is something that I miss the most--having someone to just wrap his arms around me and pet my hair. In those times, it felt like no matter what, everything would be alright as long as we were together. Somehow having someone who loves you unconditionally and with so much passion, makes everything else seem more doable. Now, on those lonely nights, I am alone and there is no one to hold me and tell me that it will be alright. There is no one that loves me the way that Gess did and that leaves a huge hole in my heart.

And these are dangerous times. When I have a bad night and feel alone, I spiral to a place where I believe that I am unloveable and no matter what my "logical" brain tells me, I cannot accept it on an emotional level. On an emotional level I feel like I am hurting people more than I am helping them I worry that I am just hurting people by being here and my instinct is to run away. I know that is not the answer and that it would in fact hurt my loved ones more, but there are times when the pain is so severe that running seeming like the only option.

This process is exhausting and I am worn out. I take it one breath at a time and am some how holding it together--if only by a very thin string. I think that I might need some duct take soon :)